The Door Opens...

 

        Hi, I don't know how you found me, but nice to meet you! I should probably do a little introduction before I start ranting. So, I'm a young adult woman who's currently in college for a bachelor's in computer Animation! I also have a part-time job cleaning houses, which I love because it's kind of a hobby of mine lol. When I'm not working or doing school stuff, I'm reading of playing video games. I used to draw a lot, but I honestly haven't had the motivation to for a few years now and only do it in brief stints or with friends. I've only just gotten back into reading as well and now it's one of my favorite things to do so I have hopes to regain my passion for art as well (especially as that's kind of what I'm going to school for and banking my career on yikes). The reason for this loss of passion is due to a really bad depressive episode I had when I was younger and haven't really recovered from.

    This goes into my reason for this blog in the first place and what I will be discussing on here! Before you go any further, there's CONTENT WARNGINS for depression, self-harm, suicidal thoughts, eating disorders, and CPTSD. Generally, I will be venting about my struggles with these topics and discussing general life as well so if any of these topics aren't something you want to read about that's completely fine! I wish you well and to take care. I decided on creating a web blog after making a brief one for a class project last year and liking the format. I do journal in a paper book as well, but that's mainly for me and I don't really discuss my mental health as in depth. It would be nice to find others struggling and to have a sort of support group to talk to people going through the same stuff as me. I thought about posting video blogs or trying social media, but I worry I would enable others or reach an audience outside of these dark topics and introduce them to disordered behaviors. This is why I landed on making my own blog where it's kind of harder to come across it and those struggling with these dark topics would have to actually go out of their way to find me, preventing the influence of destructive behaviors on people who don't already do them.

    Ok! Now that we're a little bit acquainted, today's post is about my new plan for eating and how I was eating and behaving before. I was doing pretty good at keeping accountable, but I started to binge more frequently after stressors from work and school. These things have been causing me some anxiety for a few months now, so it's really not a surprise, but I need to get back on track. I've been so overwhelmed with transferring colleges and training for a promotion at work that I had to handle my stress somehow. I've just been stuck in a binge-restrict cycle and wasting money on binge food lately. This has also been stressing me out further with the weight going up and down and my money going down the drain. My budgeting has actually gotten better though! I've only been working my current job for a few months, but I've finally started saving up a good amount of my paycheck the past couple of months recently. The stress isn't going away so I may as well lock in and look better. This way I don't feel and look terrible because that increases my stress. I'm kind of taking in circles, but essentially eating and treating my physical body better combined with not wasting as much money on food will eliminate stressors on my appearance and finances. I'm not ugly, but I just want to regain control. I feel wrong and gross with how I currently treat myself.

    My plan is to follow this ABC diet plan. Now anyone that has heard of this, interacted with eating disorder spaces, or just dieted ever just rolled their eyes. I would love to finish it through, but I know that binging could happen with this high-restriction plan. Therefore, I will be willing to either eliminate fasting and just eat calorically the same as the other days or eat a bit more but allow net calories. I believe in myself, and I can do anything I put my mind to. I'm not going to assume I will fail, but I will be prepared to prevent a binge however I can.

    I'm also going to mention some motivations for doing this so I can look back and remind myself when it becomes more difficult. Currently we have been stuck yo-yo dieting and feeling terrible about our body. We can change that! All I have to do is eat less. I've done it before, and I can do it again. I will still be stressed, but I can either be stressed and fat or stressed and skinny. We aren't fat right now, but we WILL be soon if we don't start now. I believe in you. Imagine how much nicer your clothes will be! How much better you'll feel. We can eat what we want later or have less of it. As long as it fits in the plan, we're good! I have to repurify and cleanse my inside after destroying it with trash.

    I'm going to post updates as I complete this challenge and take photos of what I eat for accountability and maybe I'll come up with new recipes/meal ideas???